Sunday, December 12, 2010
Keep my eyes turned upward- dealing with cancer
This time it seems to be different though. I don't really know all the details but my mom said he's fading.
If you would have asked me about my grandfather before he went through cancer, I would have said something like: "Well, I don't really see him that much. I don't think he really cares about me..I mean I can't even remember the last time I got a birthday card from him..."
I would have been selfish and not really cared. In my mind he didn't want to know us so I didn't want to know him.
When someone in your immediate family gets cancer it is probably one of the worst feelings. Even if they caught the cancer early no one ever wants to hear they have cancer.
When my mom first told me my grandfather's cancer was back, I cried. I literally sobbed at my desk. There were a multitude of feelings within me. I thought: "Why God? Why have you taken back our answer to prayer? How could You do this to us again and so soon?!"
I was angry, hurt, confused, among many other things...I just wanted to lie on my bed and have a pity party because my life wasn't the fairy tale everyone else got to have.
Through these past few months I really have to deal with not letting myself focus on the situations I've been through. I have had to realize that God is control. As John 10:28 says "No one shall snatch them out of My hand." It is so encouraging to know that but hard to live that way. As humans we always want to be independent. Even more so as Americans, we are told to handle things ourselves and we don't need anyone. (A very prideful attitude indeed.)
I have had to every day remind myself to give up my troubles to God, remember that all things are in His plan.
The other day I was just reminded of the thought that maybe this is my grandfather's last Christmas with us. I was so upset and worried. I was just filled with this feeling of helplessness. I have no way of curing cancer. I decided to just go down to the pond and pray. I wrote down a prayer to God and just sat there in the cold on a bench, weeping my heart out for my grandfather and the sad situation. I read Isaiah 40:31 But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
Then I realized, the reason why I was so tired and felt helpless was because I was not relying on God! DUH! I mean so many times I do that. I think "I can't do this anymore, it's too hard." But I have never gone to the One who is limitless in strength and power.
Let my story remind you that you need to go to God daily for strength. You can't do this on your own.
2 Corinthians 12:9 and 10 say: But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."